Say what you need to say…

Whenever you lose a loved one you immediately jump to all the things you would have said and should have said.  When my Mimi (my dad’s mother) passed away this past October, I supposed to spend the night with her, but being sick myself, I decided to spend the night at home, get some rest and spend the next day with her.  Unfortunately for me, I woke to a phone call of my dad crying talking to my uncle, that sadly my Mimi had passed.

I certainly felt what it meant to never take anyone for granted. Even the strongest people you know, the ones you feel are invincible will pass away someday. But yet again I was trapped in denial, as my grandpa (my mom’s father) suddenly got sick.

After spending weeks in the hospital, my grandpa has been placed in Hospice care, first at home, getting care through my mom, grandma, aunt, uncles, siblings and myself. However, it was better for him to get inpatient care, and he has recently been transferred to a Hospice facility.

Tonight, for me, was the most difficult one yet. My Mimi (my mom’s mother) my aunt, my mom and myself sat playing cards a few feet away from where my grandpa slept. After spending the entire day sleeping soundlessly, my grandfather woke up open his eyes and stared at us, causing us to stop our game, gather at his bedside.  A tear rolled down his cheek (something I didn’t notice at first), causing my mom to become upset.

I just felt something in my gut that my grandpa waking up out of the blue was his way of letting us all know he was ready, and now hearing about a tear he shed, as I drove home, made that feeling all the more distinct.

However, I needed to take a moment to tell my grandpa just how much I loved him. As we all got ready to leave, I kissed my grandfather, told him I loved him, how proud of him I was, and to sleep tight and I’d see him tomorrow.  As I went to hold his hand he squeezed mine tight and wouldn’t let go. That right there is what I needed  know that he knows how much I love him. I know how much he loves me.  But most importantly I know he is going to be okay.  Whatever happens, I know God will protect him and he won’t suffer.

I’m glad I took the time to say what I needed.  It was a risk because often times talking to my grandpa causes him to get anxious. Talking to him, holding his hand, asking him how he is feeling can sometimes cause him to get restless. My own explanation is that he is holding on so tight that he tries to fight fatigue to make sure he can stay here, with us, helping us, taking care of us.  But now I know God is taking care of him. It is difficult to think that I’ll soon lose him as a person on this earth, but it is a small token of comfort knowing I’ll have one more guardian angel up there.

So never be afraid to say what you need to say, because you might just get the sign that you need to know all will be well.

Mimi, myself and my grandpa at my high school graduation in 2009.
Mimi, myself and my grandpa at my high school graduation in 2009.

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